Hurt me beautifully

progress steps

I cannot tell if I'm in love or if it's the strongest, longest, most money-draining, emotionally- sucking OCD episode I've ever had.

However, once I've dealt with the fact that it is obsession and try to accept it and tell myself "move on, let it go", OCD thought slides in right back saying "He's so different, he'so s special, it's your soulmate for sure, he will understand you and help you, you can still repair what you've destroyed, PuRSUE him actively or  your chance for true happiness will be lost forever!". And I get obsessive again. Which is basically perceived as unpleasant stalking for that person, and as a masochistic, embarassing, dignity-stripping ordeal for me.

Of course, if this really WAS my soulmate, I really fucked up and made him tired with myself and he DESERVES some peace to catch a break from me and my fucked up head. Even if to think things through. And make a conscious decision if he's up to having me as a burden and constantly deal with my mental problems.
But no.
My head neads NOW!NOWNOW. I need to fix it, I cannot leave it to heal naturally.
And I'm just poking on a fresh wound, so that it will NEVER heal properly and it's just getting worse and deeper. Just like do with real-life, skin scabs O___o

Fucking restless head of mine.
I so wish I had half the thoughts I have, half the clutter in there.
Actually one fourth would be still an abundance :/


Sorry for the rant, I'm just so tired, exhausted and disappointed with myself and the lack of control I have over my behaviour/moods and thought process; I'm determined on regaining that control, but even if I do, it's just a remission and the scheme will repeat itself sooner or later. It's just sad, really.
_____

Hope you're doing well and have more control over your thoughts and actions than I currently do ^3^
HUGS

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